Stay: A Note On Suicide, Therapy & Better Days

I have not been okay.

The past few weeks have been draining, dark and all too overwhelming for me to deal with. I’d shrug my shoulders and fake a smile whenever anyone questioned my mood, because you do not want to be the friend with the issues. You don’t want to be a burden. You don’t want to drive anyone away. You don’t want to be a nuisance.

“I’m grand, would ya stop,” I’d mutter, despite the fact that my mind has been full of dark, suicidal thoughts recently. They’d crop up here and there, mostly at night or on lonely two hour journeys to work. They’re intense and scary, and something I thought I wouldn’t experience anymore, but your mental health will always go through highs and lows, it’s just the way it is. I can’t put a plaster on my anxiety disorder and magically heal it. I need to treat it and learn to live with it.

Luckily, my incredible therapist has been able to help me tackle these thoughts and let them simply be what they are- thoughts, and not actions.

But you seem so happy? Your Instagram is full of smiles and happy moments. You’ve got an incredible job. 

I do feel happy, I am employed and I’ve experienced some joyous moments over the past few weeks, but my mental illness doesn’t care about those things. It attacks at moments of weakness and when I’m not mentally strong enough to fight back. And I haven’t felt strong enough. The intense media coverage of Caroline Flack’s death, the never-ending tweets about her suicide and how we simply need to “be kind” were all too triggering for me, and for millions of others. When you’re bombarded by articles detailing how she killed herself, the friends she left behind and the struggles she faced, you cannot help but be reminded of the time when you were in a similar position, because I have been there many, many times. I don’t like to admit it because people still dismiss mental health issues and love to lash the “attention seeking” label at people who open up about their struggles, but trust me,  I write about my mental health so people feel less alone in their struggles, because loneliness is the reason for this dark chapter.

I started to feel ridiculously lonely after losing important friends, a guy I adored and carrying the never-ending fear of losing my Mam around with me didn’t help. My head felt like an unwelcome grey cloud on a summer’s day. My brain suddenly started to tell me that I was unlovable and unwanted, so why should I stay? Why should I continue living when nobody needs me around?

I entertained the depressive thoughts and my anxious mind, but then I went to see my therapist and cried, a lot. I emptied my thoughts out of my mind and we talked and talked and talked, until I started to see clearly again.

And then I cried to my best friend and took a step back from work.

And then I started writing gratitude lists, opening up about my mental health online and exercising again.

I started to fight. I didn’t settle and let my anxiety disorder take over. I stopped obsessing over the negative experiences and the people I lost, what could have been and the hurt, because therapy has helped me value the positive experiences more. My therapist filled my mind with coping mechanisms and gave me the power to manage the disorders.

But most importantly, my therapist helped me fill my life with moments that make me want to stay. I’ve been trying my best to plan as many outings, coffee dates and nights out with the people I love, because that is what we’re here for.

We’re here to enjoy the 80 odd years we’ve got to spend on this planet and I’m not going to let my mental health disorder strip me of that opportunity.

Sincerely Yours,

Kat